


The Darkest Times

by imnotmadeofeyes



Category: Bandom, Of Mice & Men (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, CHARACTER DEATH: Austin's mum, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, This hurt, and it also sucks, h/c, i don't know why i did this, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 21:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1484746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotmadeofeyes/pseuds/imnotmadeofeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Suddenly, Austin's calm, normal life wasn't as calm and normal anymore.</i> Austin's mum gets sick, Austin's mum is dying, and Alan is there to hold his best friend together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Darkest Times

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I don't know why I did this. I've been listening to sad music all day and this idea has been ghosting through my head for a while now, and shiiiiittt now I wrote this. It could be triggering, even though there are like, no descriptions or anything, and it will definitely hurt. It hurts me, so ... yeah whatever. Feedback is appreciated :)

Austin didn’t know how that could have happened – actually, how did this happen? And why did this happen to him? He’d never had an amazing life, for sure. He was an only child even though he’d always wanted to be a big brother, but that wasn’t all that important. He had a mom and a dad who loved him and supported him in every possible way. They weren’t rich, had never been, but it was ok. They lived in a small flat that was in a normal neighborhood, nothing fancy, but nothing cheap either. Austin didn’t have an amazing life – but he had a damn good life.

And he wasn’t unthankful. He appreciated what he had. Of course, he wasn’t always happy, but that was more because of school than because of his family. So what if they weren’t rich? He loved his parents, and they loved him. That was all he’d ever needed. Those two were the most important persons in his life, and damn he was grateful for them. They supported them through everything: from deciding to let his hair grow and only wear black clothes to coming out as gay. They loved him just the way he was, and it was good.

That was, until this was taken from him.

Suddenly, Austin’s calm, normal life wasn’t as calm and normal anymore. “Austin, your mum … she’s very ill” That was how it started. And in a matter of a couple weeks, his dad had lost his smile and his cheeriness, instead working overtime to be able to pay the bills, and his mum had lost her shine and power, being sick and bedridden constantly. She had to be in hospital all the time then, even though the treatment as such didn’t specifically require it. Austin didn’t understand what it was, and he couldn’t care less. What mattered was that his mum was ill, she was dying, and he couldn’t help her.

Suddenly, Austin’s everything had become nothing. He had nothing to hold onto, and before he knew what was happening, he was just a lost boy searching for something to keep him sane. He found that in a person he’d never thought he would find it in: his best friend, Alan. The ginger boy and he had been friends forever, sure, but Alan had always been loud and cheery, carefree. Austin knew he couldn’t handle sadness, sad people or – even worse – serious situations. Yet Austin didn’t know where else to go and when he turned up at Alan’s doorstep one night, pale and disheveled and soaked to the bone from the rare Californian rain, the boy brought him to his room without complaint.

Alan was the one holding Austin when he’d broken down for the first time. He’d been so strong for the past month. He owed that to his parents, to be strong for them, but he was only seventeen, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. That night, he sobbed so violently his whole body was shaking. And Alan held him through it all, skinny arms holding Austin tight, bony fingers carding through his best friend’s black hair. They didn’t speak much, and there was no need to – the two understood each other without many words.

That was what Austin had always loved most about his best friend. Damn right, he’d loved him. He loved him with every bit of his existence, and he was pretty sure that after that night, he only loved Alan more. He found comfort and security in him, and somehow managed to go on even though he didn’t want to; only because Alan was on his side.

And from that night on, Alan would be. He would be there for Austin all the time. In the mornings, he would come to pick Austin up – they had to sell the second car because it was getting too expensive – and in school he would always be around: a reassuring hand on the small of his back, a fleeting touch during the lessons and a welcome distraction during breaks. And after school, Alan would come to the hospital with Austin. He wouldn’t always come in, but he would be there whenever staying with his constantly weakening mum would become too overwhelming and Austin basically fled from the building. He would hug Austin tightly, interlace their fingers over the gearshift while he was driving and listen if Austin ever had anything to say.

Austin felt like Alan was the only constant who’d stayed in his life. His dad was never home now anymore, either working or being with his wife at the hospital. His mum was half-dead already, and the doctors said it was only a matter of time before her organs would collapse. He’d never had many friends besides Alan, but Phil, Tino and Aaron didn’t stay around to see their mate breaking. They didn’t know how to deal with the pain the boy was experiencing. They said they were sorry, but sorry damn well didn’t help Austin, and then they slowly drifted apart over awkward silences and pitiful stares.

The only one who stayed was Alan. The ginger didn’t budge even though it had to be hard for him to see his best friend suffer so much. And Austin tried to be strong for him, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t have the energy to keep smiling, to keep the tears at bay, not as soon as he left the hospital or turned away from his dad. The darkness in his world was becoming too much, as were the cuts littering his body.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up” Austin murmured into the crook of Alan’s neck one night. Austin was staying over at Alan’s as he’d been so often in the two months that his mum had been suffering, and they were snuggled together on Alan’s bed. It was too small for the two teenage boys, but neither of them complained. They rather slept cramped into a small space than apart from each other.

“I don’t care” Alan said back silently, and his lips brushed over Austin’s temple as his fingers ghosted over Austin’s arm. He sure could feel the raised scars and the heat radiating from the wounds there, but he never commented on it, only touched Austin even more tenderly. Austin felt bad for cutting, a habit he’d picked up in sixth grade when he’d been severely bullied but let down when he’d entered high school and finally went to the same school as Alan. But he didn’t know how else to cope with the pain and desperation and helplessness.

“You’re my best friend and I’m there for you no matter what shit you’re going through, you know that” Alan continued, his breath warm in Austin’s messed up hair. It made Austin smile slightly, sadly, even though the tears still wouldn’t stop flowing.

“Thank you” he breathed, pressing the smallest kiss to Alan’s collar bone. The only indication the younger boy had heared was the tightening on the grip he had on Austin.

It continued like this for almost four months. Almost four months of constant pain, of constant fearing, of constant hoping, of constant going to the hospital after school – of constant being with Alan to make it through his day. And while Austin’s mum and dad slipped further and further away from their boy, Alan slipped closer and closer to him. Austin basically lived at Alan’s now and it was common for them to sleep in a room and be close to each other all the time. It would become a normal thing for them to sometimes hug in the hallways, too long for it to be passed as brotherly, or even hold hands when it was an especially hard time for Austin.

And then, suddenly, it was over. Austin had known the day would come all the while, but he hadn’t thought it would come that soon. The worst was that he was there. He was there with his mum, and Alan for once wasn’t around because he’d promised his dad he would stay home to study – Austin’s grades hadn’t been the only ones slipping. She’d been fully conscious and Austin even had the feeling that it was a good day – she’d even smiled at him a few times, and they’d been talking more than they’d been the whole past week.

“My baby” she said eventually. “You know I love you, right? You’re such a good boy – so strong. I am glad you’re my son, not anyone else’s. I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life, but you aren’t one of them. You’re beautiful and perfect, Austin, don’t let anyone tell you any different. You could change the world if you wanted to. You could do everything. Always remember that. Remember that you’re an amazing person and that I love you. I’ll always be there with you, sweetheart.”

Her words, choked out breathlessly, weakly, had brought tears flowing down Austin’s cheeks, and his mum lifted her pale, thin hand to wipe them away – he’d clutched the other one tightly as he always did when he sat with her. “Don’t talk like you’re leaving, mum, it’s not over yet –“

“Oh darling” She’d said, smiling sadly at him. “My time has long been over. But I’ll watch over you and dad, I promise. I’ll always be there.” And her eyes had slipped closed for the last time, her fingers going limp in his grip. Her heart monitor had started beeping furiously as the line stayed down for too long, no heartbeats making it jump anymore. Austin had been there when his mum had died, and it had broken his heart.

The tears were flowing down his cheeks the whole time. As the nurses rushed into the room, he slipped out. He didn’t know where he was going, but he damn well knew he couldn’t stay there any second longer. He couldn’t remember how he got out of the hospital or how he got to Alan’s house, but then he arrived there, and before he could even ring the doorbell, the door opened. He was completely numb, had been the whole way there, until he saw Alan standing there, his eyes big and brown and concerned, and he somehow got out the few words that made his knees give in beneath his weight.

“She’s dead, Alan”

Alan caught Austin when he collapsed, and Austin clutched onto the boy with all his might. He couldn’t calm down, didn’t have any strength left in his body. They knelt there on the front porch for what felt like hours, and the only things keeping him from losing his mind completely were the hands in his hair and on his back holding him together and the smell filling his lungs that had become just as necessary as oxygen in the past weeks.

“I’ve got you” Alan murmured, pressing kisses onto his hair, rocking them gently from side to side. “I’m here for you” Austin could tell, he was crying, too. Alan had never cried before. Alan had held Austin the whole time, had dried his tears with his shirts, his fingers and his lips, but he’d never shed a tear himself before. But everyone reached their breaking point eventually, Austin mused when his sobs eventually subsided into pathetic little whispers and breathless hiccups.

“Come on, let’s get you into bed” Alan said softly, his thumbs coming up to wipe Austin’s tearstained cheeks. Austin didn’t stop clutching onto him and the smaller boy had to all but carry him upstairs into his room and get him into bed. They fell onto the mattress just how they were, but Austin didn’t care. He curled up into Alan’s side, and Alan held him tightly. Austin wondered how he deserved such an amazing friend and he couldn’t help but worry: everything amazing had been taken from him so far.

Eventually Austin stopped crying. The pain was still there, eating him up and consuming him whole, but his eyes dried until he only felt empty and utterly, utterly exhausted. Still, neither boy moved except for Alan’s fingers ever so softly carding through Austin’s hair, centering him, calming him. They laid in silence and in darkness as they’d had so many times before, but it felt different somehow. Bigger, more important. Austin clutched onto him still, his fingers knotted into Alan’s hoodie, and he listened to Alan’s heartbeat, strong and steady beneath his head where it rested on Alan’s chest. He just wanted to sleep, but he was wide awake and didn’t think he could sleep anytime in the next week or so.

Hours must have passed before there was a soft knock on the door. “Austin dear?” It was Alan’s mum. “It’s your dad.”

Austin tensed after only now just relaxing. He wasn’t ready to face his dad. His dad had loved his mum more than he’d ever seen a person love another, and he had to be completely shattered. And Austin couldn’t see his dad, his rolemodel like that. He wasn’t strong enough.

Alan had to feel his fear, his panic, because suddenly his hand was on Austin’s face, pulling it up so the boys could look at each other. “You can do it, Aus” Alan reassured him gently, his thumb following the bow of Austin’s cheekbone. “He needs you now.”

Austin shook his head, and his gaze dropped from those intriguing brown eyes to Alan’s chest. “I-I-I can’t Alan. I –“

“You can” Alan interrupted him gently. “I believe in you” And then, much softer, barely audible, he added, “I love you” Austin didn’t believe what he’d heard, but before he could process it, there was a soft, dry pair of lips pressing onto his own. It was a short and innocent kiss, and while Austin hadn’t seen it coming, he didn’t freak out. He just stared at Alan wide-eyed, looking like a lost boy, and Alan caressed his face once more.

“Come with me?” Austin asked finally. He didn’t want to be alone.

Alan smiled, just a little bit, and from that and the kiss Austin received more strength than he’d thought he could feel after everything that had happened earlier. “I’ll be right there.” He answered, and Austin pressed another kiss to the corner of his best friend’s mouth.

Alan stood to his words. He was there when Austin and his dad hugged tightly in the living room of the Ashby’s, both just shadows of the men they used to be. He was there when Austin had to hear the news that they would have to move because they couldn’t afford the old flat anymore. He was there when they had to choose the look of the coffin and the funeral card and the tombstone. He was there when said coffin was lowered six feet under at the funeral. He was there when Austin panicked and was just a second away from just like that slicing open his arms and ending everything. He held Austin when he realized what he was doing after his best friend shouting at him for five minutes straight and broke down, just a broken boy without anything to hold on. He was there when they moved into the new flat even farther away from where Alan lived. Alan was there as his best friend and then finally as his boyfriend, and there wasn’t a day when he wouldn’t make Austin feel better just by smiling at him.

Austin only really realized that when he went to see his mum’s grave on her death’s anniversary and it wasn’t even a question whether the ginger would come with him. Alan even drove him there and held his hand tightly while Austin stood there looking at the pretty flowers they’d planted there – and those who’d been brought to the grave from her friends and family today already.

And when he realized it, he looked at Alan to find the boy already watching him, and the now eighteen year-old couldn’t help but smile, not sad but tender, full of love. He pulled Alan closer, his hands coming up to the face he came to adore so much. “I love you” Austin mumbled, pressing a kiss to Alan’s face. “God I love you. Please don’t ever leave me” Because right then and there he knew that he couldn’t live without the ginger any other day and he would do everything to keep it – no matter what, no matter how hard it would be.

Alan smiled against his lips at his words, his hands coming up to rest on Austin’s waist. He held onto him as tight as ever, as if he didn’t want to let Austin go either. “I love you, too, dumbass. Of course I’m not leaving.” He’d been there through Austin’s darkest times, and now it was about time that he would be there for his brightest as well. Austin had lost one constant in his life, but he’d found another one along the way.


End file.
